


When the Guiding Star Falls

by Catclaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Briefly Likeable Peter, Did I mention Sirius is an Asshole, Hurt No Comfort, Infidelity, Manipulative Peter, Multi, Sirius is an Asshole, and an Idiot, the author is sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-13
Updated: 2009-10-13
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:24:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14059857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catclaw/pseuds/Catclaw
Summary: What happens when you can't trust the man that you love?





	When the Guiding Star Falls

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the RS Games 2009. Team Canon - Prompt - violet Poem – Bahnofstrasse by James Joyce
> 
> The eyes that mock me sign the way  
> Whereto I pass at eve of day.
> 
> Grey way whose violet signals are  
> The trysting and the twining star.
> 
> Ah star of evil! star of pain!  
> Highhearted youth comes not again
> 
> Nor old heart's wisdom yet to know  
> The signs that mock me as I go.

As he drew the cloth over the top of the bar, the hairs on the back of Remus’ neck rose as he felt the weight of someone’s stare upon him. Glancing up, he met a pair of what would have been beautiful eyes, if it were not for the look of pitying disgust in them. Darcy was frequently one of Sirius’ bed partners and, not for the first time, Remus suspected that she was aware of the depth of his feelings for the raven haired man. A parody of a smile twisted her lips and Remus dropped his gaze, concentrating on the task at hand, determinedly ignoring the whispers and giggles coming from the corner of the room where Sirius was sitting with yet another gorgeous blonde. A growl echoed in the back of his mind as the sound of the two standing reached his lupine-enhanced senses. Risking a glance in their direction, Remus barely hid his wince as Sirius winked conspiratorially at him and departed from the pub, his arm around her waist.

Fighting back tears and feeling ridiculous at having to do so, he should be used to the feeling by now. He jumped as a hand tightened momentarily on his wrist,  
“What can I get you?” The question fell from his lips automatically as he looked up. Concern lined Peter’s face as he offered a small smile. Remus flashed a grin in return but it was a ghost of the once familiar expression.  
“You okay?” Remus nodded, “I’m here if you want to talk.” Giving Peter a small but genuine smile, Remus moved to the other end of the bar to serve another of the patrons, noticing out the corner of his eye that Peter was pulling up a bar stool, clearly indicating that he didn’t intend to move for a while. Another smile crossed his face, counting himself lucky to have such a good friend, not that James had abandoned them but he was busy being a newlywed and reaping the rewards of being a married man.

His shift at the Golden Snidget dragged past as he alternated between a deep desire to go home and a stomach churning dread at having to do just that. When, eventually Phelan, the Landlord, laid a fatherly hand on his shoulder and told him he could manage for the rest of the night, Remus didn’t know whether to cry or sag in relief.

Hanging his cloth on one of the beer pumps, Remus slid out of the bar, intent on leaving, hoping that the night air would calm his mind and quiet the continuous snarling in the corners of his mind. Not halfway to the door Peter stopped him and asked if he wanted some company for the next few hours until the pub closed. Shaking his head, Remus declined, suddenly wanting nothing more than to go home, whatever he may find. Sighing, he was grateful, not for the first time, that the need for deception had lead to them buying a flat with two bedrooms. All he’d need to do was cast a quick silencing charm and maybe he’d be able to get an hour’s sleep.

Pushing the door open, the beauty of the night sky beckoned him, the stars seeming brighter without the presence of the moon. His last view of the Snidget as he closed the door was of two sets of eyes watching him, one full of sympathy and ridicule in the others.

~~The eyes that mock me sign the way Whereto I pass at eve of day. ~~

The flat they shared was a ten minute walk away and although he considered apparating, he decided he’d rather enjoy the tranquil beauty of the night, the cool-stillness of the air a welcome relief.

Reaching the tower block and discovering that the lift was broken as normal, Remus pushed through the double doors that led to the stairs, at the foot of which a young woman hurried past him, her head bowed, coat wrapped tightly around her, the smell of Sirius clinging to her skin like an overwhelming perfume. Moony growled loudly in the back of his mind and Remus winced at the unadulterated anger in that one sound.

Pausing at the door, Remus leant his forehead against the wood, trying to regain his composure and allow the stoic mask to once again slip over his features. Straightening, Remus opened the door, meeting Sirius’ eyes as the dark haired man smiled up at him from the latest copy of Which? Broomstick.

Though it was obvious that Sirius had performed a charm to clean the air and, Remus suspected, the bed sheets, he could smell faint traces of the girl and their sex. Setting the magazine aside, Sirius rose from the sofa and Remus couldn’t help but admire the inherent grace of the man, or the toned stomach that was revealed when he stretched languidly. Sliding the backs of his fingers along Remus’ jaw, Sirius cupped the back of his neck and drew him in for a deep kiss. Drawing away, Sirius’ hand fell from the back of his neck, fingertips brushing down his arm in a barely there touch before Sirius laced their fingers together and led him into the bedroom they shared.

Hours later, lying naked within Sirius’ embrace, Remus willed sleep to come, but his inner voice stubbornly refused to quieten sufficiently to allow slumber. Thoughts of all the other times that he’d been in this position ran through his mind on a constant loop. Opening his eyes and staring at the wall, Remus wondered why he continually allowed Sirius to do this to him. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Sirius would never give up women, never truly be faithful to him. Why stay? Why cause himself such heartache?

_No one else will love you,_ his inner voice told him, as it always did. Shutting his eyes tightly, he acknowledged the truth of his thoughts. _Too dangerous for anyone else. Too poor. Who could ever love a dark creature like him_? Unbidden, tears slipped from his eyes and pooled on Sirius’ smooth, unscarred chest.

*

James’ chest swelled with pride as he stood by his wife’s bedside, practically glowing in his joy, gazing down at his newborn son, the other three Marauders seated at the foot of the bed. The baby grasped James’ finger, or rather James pressed his finger into the tiny, tightly clenched hand.  
“Harry,” he said decisively, though the uncertainty was clear in his eyes as he looked at Lily. Nodding in agreement, she looked down at her sleeping child, taking in the tuft of wild black hair on the top of his head,  
“Harry James.”

Remus smiled as he took in the happy family, slightly impressed that Lily hadn’t throttled James after all of his protective hovering during her pregnancy.

Harry’s eyes flew open and a collective gasp sounded as they saw the vivid green of his eyes. _Just like Lily’s._ Remus knew that it was highly unusual for a baby not to have blue eyes and was sure that those emerald eyes were going to be significant in the future, but it was a fleeting thought as Harry breathed in before letting out an ear-piercing wail.

Feeling Sirius tugging at his sleeve, Remus glanced up at him, noticing that his other hand was urging Peter up.  
“I think that’s our cue to leave,” he stated, with a grimace, before nodding to James, who saluted him, and walking out of the room, hastily followed by Peter. Moving slower than the other two, but clearly eager to get away from Harry’s rather loud demonstration of his lung capacity, Remus shook James’ hand and kissed Lily’s cheek before joining the two outside.

As they were walking out of the hospital, Peter suggested going to one of the local pubs for a celebratory drink.  
“I can’t mate,” Sirius informed him, turning to face them with a lustful spark in his grey eyes. “I’ve got somewhere I need to be.” With that he ducked into a nearby alleyway, a loud crack announcing his departure.

Reaching up, Peter squeezed Remus’ bicep briefly, support and sympathy evident in the simple gesture.  
“You up for that drink?” Remus nodded, not trusting his voice, but not wanting to remain sober.

Several beers later, the discussion turned to Albus Dumbledore’s belief that someone in the Order had become a double agent.  
“Are you sure that he’s with another woman?” The bottle slipped suddenly from Remus’ nerveless fingers. “How do you know what he’s really doing? I mean with his family...” Peter trailed off, the implication hanging heavily between them.  
“I just know.” Even to his own ears, Remus’ counter-argument sounded weak.

~~Grey way whose violet signals are The trysting and the twining star. ~~

The months passed quickly and Hallowe’en the following year found Remus was working fretfully behind the bar at the Golden Snidget. It had barely been a week since James and Lily had performed the Fidelius Charm and he’d been unable to suppress an almost overwhelming sense of dread ever since. It wasn’t rational, he knew that, Sirius was the Secret Keeper, he’d die before he’d betray James, yet echoes of past conversations with Peter haunted his mind. _He can’t be trusted Remus._ Just remembering the words had him shaking his head, just as he had at the time, only less vehemently this time. _He’s proven that he can’t be trusted, look at what he’s doing to you._

“Large Firewhisky please, mate,” Remus struggled to focus on the speaker’s face, words taking a moment to sink in before he poured the drink, almost on autopilot.

_He’s demonstrated his malicious streak,_ Remus shook his head again, though he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, the shadow of Peter or himself. _He sent Snape to the Shack that night. Told him how to get past the Willow, despite knowing that Snape would have to face a werewolf. All for his own amusement._ Remus could only acknowledge the truth of Peter’s words, they were impossible to deny but did that knowledge really lend credibility to the idea that Sirius would commit acts of murder and torture for his own amusement? Unbidden, his mind turned to thoughts of Sirius’ cousin, of her unhealthy pleasure in performing the Cruciatus Curse.

_He’d die before he’d betray James._ He repeated the words over and over in his mind, believing them less and less every time.

Time slowed to a crawl, each second an hour as he carried out his tasks without paying any attention to them. The moment Phelan nodded at him, signalling the end of his shift, Remus apparated, desperate to check on James and Lily, his cloth fluttering to the floor as the sound of air being violently displaced filled the pub.

Arriving in Godric’s Hollow, Remus froze. It felt like all of the air had been sucked from his lungs and he fought to remain on his feet. All that was left of the Potter family home was ruins and settling dust.

Sirius had betrayed them.

Returning to the flat they shared, Remus noticed the laid table complete with candles and twin wine glasses and hoped that he was about to ruin whatever date Sirius had planned. The smell of meat cooking hung in the air and the man in question emerged from the kitchen, a soft smile playing about his lips.

For a moment he was frozen, as though someone had cast the full body bind on him. How the hell could Sirius be smiling? He was more callous that Remus had ever believed possible.

The feeling of fingertips against his cheek unlocked whatever hold had been upon his body, his fist crashing into the side of Sirius’ face before he had the chance to think about what he was doing.  
“You bastard!” He spat, anger and hatred dripping from his voice as the volume of his speech rose. “They trusted you! James trusted you beyond anyone else! You were Harry’s Godfather! How could you?”

The silence that descended was more deafening than Remus’ shouts. “And they say that I’m a dark creature,” this time his words were quiet and Sirius flinched before disappearing from the room, the resulting shift in the air extinguishing the candles.

/~~Ah star of evil! Star of pain! ~~/

*

Resting his back against the rough brick wall, Sirius stared out of the window, his gaze lingering on the full moon hanging heavily in the sky. _I promised you that you’d never have to spend another full moon alone._ He closed his eyes against the weight of his desolation and regret.

Opening them he focused on the copy of the Daily Prophet flung against the furthest corner of his cell. A large family waved furiously from the front cover, even if the article hadn’t named them, he would have recognised Molly and Arthur. But it was their youngest son that drew his attention, _same age as Harry,_ and sitting upon the boy’s shoulder was the rat that had cost him everything.

Fighting back tears, Sirius shivered as a second Dementor paused alongside the one permanently stationed outside his cage, as though savouring his despair.

His thoughts turned to Remus once again, his gaze drawn back to the moon, his mind centring around one memory, as it inevitably did.

All Hallows Eve 1981.

_Sirius fussed with the candles and glasses that he’d just arranged mere moments before. The evening had to be perfect._

_Returning to the kitchen, he began peeling potatoes and replaying the conversation he’d had with James that had led to his moment._

_He’d been convincing James that using Peter as Secret Keeper would be the perfect bluff, particularly as Sirius himself was going into hiding as well.  
“You know that means you’ll have to give up all those birds you’ve been seeing,” there had been a quiet satisfaction in James’ voice, he’d never approved of Sirius’ polygamist behaviour._

_Sirius had frozen, he hadn’t thought of that, all the plans he’d made in his head had only involved Remus, he’d never even stopped to consider other bed partners. He’d realised then that he didn’t want any other bed partners. Just Remus. He couldn’t think of anyone else that he’d rather go into hiding with. He’d not been with a woman for three months now, nor had he wanted to. When he wasn’t being sent on assignments for the Order or working, his time was being spent with Remus._

_It hadn’t been as grand as a bolt of lightning, but standing there in James’ living room he’d realised, with startling clarity, that he loved Remus, wanted to spend the rest of his life with him._

_A smile tugged at his lips as he put the spuds in a saucepan half filled with water and set it to boil. He was checking on the slowly roasting beef when he heard Remus return. Taking a deep breath he prepared to beg him for forgiveness, for a second chance that he wasn’t sure that he deserved._

_Joy filled him when he saw the familiar and beloved figure, he allowed a gentle smile to cross his features._

_An unfathomable look entered Remus’ eyes and Sirius softly touched his cheek, leaning into kiss him when Remus’ clenched hand collided resoundingly with the side of his face, leaving him reeling.  
“You bastard!” It shocked Sirius to hear such venom in Remus’ voice and a lead weight settled in his stomach. His mind barely registered the words Remus was yelling at him, a sick feeling of dread overcoming him._

_Silence descended and with it panic, had Peter been compromised?  
“And they say I’m a dark creature.” Sirius winced, the words and tone hurting more than the punch._

_Worry gnawed at him, he had to check on Peter, make sure he was still safe. His last view of the flat they and life that they’d shared was of Remus’ amber eyes flashing with anger and hate._

The passing years and regret had broken his spirit in a way that his parents had never been able to.

The memory began to unfold once again in his mind.

Hallowe’en 1981.

The night he’d lost everyone he had ever loved.

~~Highhearted youth comes not again. ~~

The pain became too much to bear and with a whimper Sirius transformed. Padfoot whined quietly before moving closer to the door, the year would be beginning at Hogwarts soon and he had to protect Harry. He owed James that much at least.

The cell door opened to allow food to be pushed inside and he slipped past, speeding through the fortress, squeezing through the bars at the entrance and swimming away. His thoughts already on Remus and praying that once he’d dealt with Peter, Remus would allow him to make up for the mistakes of his youth.

High above him, the lonely moon shone down, Dog Star nowhere to be seen. The Heavens ridiculing him in his hope that Remus could ever love him again.

~~Nor old heart’s wisdom yet to know The signs that mock me as I go~~


End file.
